Please excuse my recent absence. My breakup with America has been even more tumultuous than I had previously imagined. As you may know, my status as an international man of mystery required the occasional dabbling in super-villainy and general nefariousness. My steamy and passionate love affair with Lady Liberty meant that I could get away with those kinds of things, (stealing Mt. Rushmore, obtaining gaudy facial scars, building volcano bases, etc...) but I'm afraid my immunity has expired. Secret task forces, assassins, and bounty hunters with jet packs are hunting me as I write these very words.
(Me and my nefarious lap-dog in my recently re-furnished volcano base)I would have waited to inform America of my intentions after I eloped with Tunisia, but my 300 pound suitcase would have provoked some uneasy questions. Instead I have employed a hasty, yet elaborate plan to escape America's jealous wrath. Because I am behind over nine thousand proxies, I can safely divulge the details to you, my loyal followers.
I have trimmed my hair an entire inch and groomed my beard, thus eliminating my previous ever-so-slightly-scruffy look. As you can tell by the above picture, I am practically a changed man. I have also changed my name for the time being: if I run into anyone whom I expect to be an agent of my spurned nation, I shall pronounce my last name with an emphasis on the second syllable! Behold! I am invisible! I have also contacted two of my most trusted accomplices who I shall meet at various intervals of time and space in order to set up a Tunisian branch of F.R.E.A.K.Y. (Fredrickson's Royal Entourage of Awesome Kings of Yore).
Allow me to present Daniel Henry, alias Fangor the Magnificent. BIO: Dan was born a runt to unknown parent
s of the proud Michigan warrior class. His small stature prompted his biological parents to deposit him in the wilderness of Detroit, where he was expected to die in sacrifice to the gods of the mythical, long-absent auto industry. Despite his meager birth-weight, Dan was able to tap into his ancestral warrior spirit and survive long enough to catch the attention of giant mutated sewer rats, who raised him as their own.SPECIALTIES: Survival, Hacking, Explosives, Hand-to-Hand Combat: Dan's experience raised by the ultimate despised survivors, sewer rats, has allowed him to master the most deadly of black ops. This, combined with his ferocious warrior spirit makes him an invaluable ally in our future adventures.
My second second-in-command is Cwu'tha'gian the Unformed, alias Kyle Anne Piasecki. BIO: It is difficult to sort the fact from legend when discussing the details of Cwu'tha'gian. It is said that the true visage of this eldritch terror is so horrific and unnatural to the human eye, tha
t gazing upon her (it?) would instantly induce madness. It is also said that she will only assume a human form once every ten thousand years in order to seek the powers of her even more horrific overlords. My contacts inform me that she will be in Tunisia in search of the tomb of Abdul Alhazred, the Mad Arab. With his skull, she shall invoke the greatest spells of the Necronomicon, and usher in her malevolent masters who will consume humanity in their mindless and incomprehensible hunger.SPECIALTIES: Dark Magic, Baking, Incomprehensible Terror. No explanation is required to understand that "Kyle" will be a powerful ally indeed. Pray to whatever gods in which you believe that my hubris for harnessing such an evil power shall not be the end of me.
This will be my final report from the homeland. In a matter of hours I shall be smuggled out of the country. Fortunately I've found a fellow scoundrel who claims he can take me through the Kessel Run in a few parsecs, (I don't really know what he means, maybe he's taking a shortcut or something?) but the journey shall still be perilous. Keep me in your thoughts, dear readers. Godspeed!
