An Open Apology to the United States of America

Dearest America,
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I must leave you.

It's been a rough relationship these past twenty years. We've had a lot of ups and downs. Remember when your public school system taught me how to read? Good times. Remember when your public school system tried to teach me that the Mexicans had it coming in the Mexican-American war? Not so good times.

Listen America, it's nothing personal. We're just going in different directions. We've both changed so much over our relationship. I still love you as a place to live, but I'm just not sure if I can love you as a country any more. That's why I think we should part ways for awhile. Nothing permanent mind you, I'd just like to... you know, get out there; try the waters a little.

I don't really know how to say this, but you know that hot friend that you had over sometimes: Tunisia? That one who would listen to you cry about your problems in the Arab world? Well, turns out that Tunisia has got a bit of an adventurous streak, and frankly I'd like to give that a try for awhile. It's just going to be some fling, but you and I have been together so long; I thought it was only fair that I told you about my new blossoming relationship. I need something fresh and exciting! How can you expect me to pursue my career as an international man of mystery sitting around the Midwest all day?

I'm sorry it had to be this way, America. Knowing you like I do, I know that you won't like this one bit. I know that you are going to chase me, going to try to bring me back, maybe even throw me to one of those seedier friends you always have lurking around whenever you decide that you don't like someone. I'm going to ask you this one time: please don't let your anger get the best of you. Even if you do try and hunt me down, you'll never be able to find me. I've always been mysterious and resourceful, isn't that why you fell in love with me in the first place? You know better than that. I promise to write to you from time to time, but you've just got to give me my space. Just for a little while.

Love,
Nathan

PS: Tunisia wants to know if that friendship treaty you signed back in the 70's is still cool. You should probably get back to them on that.