Happy Birthday to You'RE UNDER ARREST!

ATTENTION:
BY READING THIS BLOG YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF THE UNITED STATES P.A.T.R.I.O.T. ACT, SECTION 12, CLAUSE 28, SUB-CLAUSE ZZA, SUPER DOUBLE SECRET ENCRYPTED SECTION OMEGA SEVEN, AND ARE HEREBY PROCLAIMED AN ENEMY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND A STUPID, SELFISH BASTARD WHO NEVER THINKS OF OTHERS, HURTS THE PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR HIM, HAS QUESTIONABLE HYGIENE, AND IS SELFISH IN BED.

YOU HEAR THAT NATHAN? I BET THAT ISN'T WHAT YOU WANTED ALL OF YOUR SO-CALLED SCOUNDRELS TO READ ON YOUR PRECIOUS BLOG. Did you honestly think that I wouldn't find this pathetic waste of server space? Did you forget that I literally have the power to find out everything from how many times you search for Final Fantasy XIII game play videos to the password to your so-called manifesto with one convenient subpoena to Google? It's not like I needed to do that anyway. Your defenses weren't exactly iron-clad with a password like "abc123". Don't worry about the whole world knowing your password, I took the liberty of changing it using one of my many expensive encryption computers. Good luck writing any of your crap now. International man of mystery? Give me a freedom loving break. At first I wondered why I would even waste my time tracking you down, but then I pictured the look on your stupid, ugly, unshaven face when I hijacked your "nefarious" little soapbox.

You think you're a bad-ass now, running out on me like that? You didn't even have the courage to break up with me to my face. You wrote me a damn letter on the internet. You're such a miserable dork. I've taken the liberty of reading through your drafts for your next posts. Dinosaurs and Jedi? What did I even see in you in the first place? We'll see your true colors when I'm done with you, you gutter licking prole.

Let's start with the basics. You're learning Arabic AND Karl Marx? You're clearly a terrorist. Enjoy not being able to ever fly on an airplane again. In fact, I think I'm going to dust off those black helicopters that I used to love so much when I was seeing George. I don't like that stupid Indiana Jones-wannabe hat. I think you would look better with a black sack over your head and electrodes attached to your genitals (assuming I can find electrodes small enough). Also, all of those unwashed halfwits who have been reading your meaningless tirades? They are clearly part of this "F.R.E.A.K.Y." terrorist organization, and can expect similar treatment. Also remember that one time a few years ago when you considered donating money to that orphanage for children with AIDS? Well, your obvious allegiance to them makes it clear that they are just another front for your terrorist organization. Now we're going to have to put them on the terrorist watch list too, and all of those poor kids are going to starve. Because of you. Why do you hate children, Nathan? Lonely, sick, desperate children? You are a monster.

Unlike you, I'm not entirely unreasonable. For some reason that I haven't yet worked out with my therapist, I'm willing to forgive you. I may only inflict mild torture on you, how about just a little water boarding? It's not even really torture anyway.

Come on.

Please.

I need you.

I miss you every day.

GOD DAMN IT, YOU FILTHY TERRORIST! I HOPE YOU ROT IN HADES WITH YOUR BELOVED KARL! HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A NATION SCORNED! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!

HATEFULLY,
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA




... maybe I'll let you post more of your stupid crap on your blog. You know, just for laughs. It's not like I even care what you do. Except for the whole being tortured thing. I'm still pretty serious about that.