New Awakenings

To all who are still reading:

Congratulations.

You are officially my biggest fans; indeed bigger then my now colossal beard that I have grown over my period of exile. My lover's quarrel with the United States of America took a particularly sour turn soon after I came back from my quest to obtain Jedi powers. No amount of waving my hand and saying "this isn't the international man of mystery you're looking for" deterred the brutes who black-bagged me. That robed bastard in the desert who told me that my new Jedi tricks wouldn't work on the weak minded was at least half right: I was weak minded to think that waving my hand around like an asshole would protect me from the bounty hunters hot on my trail. This is why I haven't been able to update you on my adventures for so long, my adventures involve being probed in the most sensitive of places in a secret American prison. Needless to say, there was no internet. The closest I ever got to that was having cigarette buts being put out on my neck, and let me tell you, that was a God-damned relief compared to everything else I was going through!That old "Jedi" hack even had the audacity to make me wait outside of his weird-ass hut for like, an hour. I think the senile bastard forgot about me, or fell asleep or something.

I would like to say that my escape involved blazing guns and daring acts of pure moxie, but I have gained much wisdom and maturity while imprisoned, and thus have no desire to hide the truth any longer. During my many, many days in incarceration, I, like other great and revolutionary minds before me, kept secret prison notebooks. I would publish them here, but they would in all reality be much to complicated for the common minds that tend to grace these public addresses. If the seven academic journals I have submitted my work to didn't accept such masterpieces as "Pynchon and the Dialectic Paradigm of Subsemantic Reality: a Quantum Approach", then I doubt that the unwashed masses would gain much by the specifics of my philosophizing. I will say, however, that I made a serious breakthrough which lead to my breakOUT. While writing a 32 page treatise on the nature of simulacra and power, the United States Federal Government captured my notes, was impressed by my argument, and suddenly realized that it didn't exist. By sheer force of philosophy, the shackles of my captor were broken, and I was allowed to escape without further molestation.

Like Zarathustra descending from the mountain, I realized that I was a changed man living in a world that was oh-so-painfully the same. My loyal minions (who had constructed no less than six statues of my personage in my absence) worshiped the free ground that I walked on, but alas! I require their praise no longer! I realize that I have acquired all of the Earthly wisdom that I can possibly extract from my exile. Now that the oppressive nexus of power that defined America's jealous wrath are thoroughly deconstructed, I imagine that America has calmed down a little bit. Lady Liberty, lift your lamp to your golden shores (if you know what I mean, wink nudge)!
Awwwww yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.